Universal Truths

No matter where you live, no matter what you do, some of these things are always true.

(Sometimes we need to be reminded and to be able to laugh at ourselves!)

If we all are here to help others, then what exactly are others here for?

Code of the west: Never squat while wearing spurs.

Yesterday is a past, tomorrow is a future , today is a gift that's why it's called 'present'

Get a life or die trying!

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup. France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon.' Need I say more?"

Written very small on the back poket of a girl's jeans - 'If you can read this, you're WAY too close.'

Life's a bleach and then you dye

"Character is taught at home, but not by a purple dinosaur or big yellow bird." - Jacob White

"Ignore reality. There's nothing you can do about it." - Natalie Imbruglia

"You're not supposed to be so blind with patriotism that you can't face reality. Wrong is wrong, no matter who does it or who says it." - Malcolm X

'There are two choices in life - Take it or leave it !' Deb Ben

A fight to the death between zombies has a few inherent problems.

A lost property office is for people to return things they find and don't want.

An egotist has one point in his favor - he doesn't go around talking about other people!

An eternity is very, very long, especially towards the end.

Bibles that are falling apart usually belong to people who are not.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.

Comedian: You laugh on the outside, but inside you harbor a bitter resentment toward people who have enough money for food.

Dancing is a vertical expression of a horizontal desire.

Do not blame others for making you mad. Anger is a choice. Choose wisely.

Don't believe that sort of rubbish, unless you hear it from me

Don't bother wasting your time on people who don't like you

Education is what you get from reading the small print. Experience is what you get from not reading it.

Either go to hell or die trying.

Everyone is beautiful if you squint a bit.

Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.

Fortune tellers are for the poor. Psychics are for the rich.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

I couldn't help but laugh when I saw these words scrawled on the condom machine in a service station Men's Room, "This gum tastes like rubber!"

If at first you don't succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.

If Lamb Chop married Howdy Doodie her name would be Lamb Doodie - Not too sure

If nobody knows the troubles you've seen, then you don't live in a small town.

If the eyes are windows to the soul, your smile is the front door.

If you are not ready to die, then the angels coming to guide you home may seem as demons coming to drag you to Hell.

If you dont want the milk to get sour ... keep it in the cow

If you lost your left arm, your right arm would be left.

Important documents will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is. It's always room-temperature.

It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.

It is better to be on the ground wishing you were flying, than vice versa.

It's a biiiig mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.

It's a small world. Then the airline loses your luggage.

It's easier to curse a candle than light the darkness.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

Laugh and the world laughs with you ... Cry, and the world looks sheepish and suddenly remembers it had other plans.

Let everyone sweep in front of his own door, and the whole world will be clean.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

Life is a terminal disease for which there is no vaccination.

Life is a test, and I didn't take very good notes.

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstyle you like.

Living in fear is the same as fear of living. Either way, you have no life.

Love ain't nothin' but sex misspelled. -- short story by Harlan Ellison

Love is like the measles, we all have to go through it.

Mankind is divided into two classes: those who earn their living by the sweat of their brow, and those who sell them handkerchiefs, cold drinks, and electric fans.

Money may not buy happiness, but it sure makes misery much easier to live with.

Mother Teresa once said, "The biggest disease today is not leprosy or tuberculosis, but rather the feeling of being unwanted."

My son was opening gifts at his 7th birthday party when he came to one with clothes in it. He opened it up, looked at it, then handed it to me. 'Here, Mom, it's laundry,' he said.

No matter how many years pass teachers will always use the word obviously, without ever knowing what it means.

No one can carry on a sane relationship with anyone, because getting involved in a relationship is insane.

No one feels as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.

Nothing in life can hurt you except yourself, and of course barbed wire, but thats another story.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

Only a pessimist complains about the noise when opportunity knocks.

Paper is always strongest at the perforations.

People who say 'Don't Postpone Joy' are usually in outrageous credit card debt. - Daniel Casey

People would enjoy life more if, once they got what they wanted, they could remember how much they wanted it.

Religion cannot be without morality, but morality may arrive without religion.

Sacred cows make the best burgers.

Sad to think that when the letters 'WWF' are mentioned, most of us think of wrestlers, before the World Wildlife Fund...

Some people are so sensitive they'd feel snubbed if an epidemic overlooked them.

Some people aren't happy unless they're unhappy. -- Joe S. Cline

Sometimes the squeaky wheel doesn't get the grease, it just gets replaced.

Success is when your name is in everything but the phone book.

That which does not kill us only makes us stronger so we may kill others.

The bad guys don't always wear black hats, the good guys rarely win, and the cavalry never, ever shows up just in the nick of time!

The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.

The great thing about living in a small town is when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

The Lawyer's Creed: "A man is innocent until proven broke."

The meaning of life is to give life meaning.

The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

The trouble with doing something right the first time, is nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

The trouble with learning from experience is that the test comes first and the lesson afterwards.

The trouble with life is, you're half way through it before you realize it's a 'do it yourself' thing.

The world doesn't just disappear when you close your eyes, does it?

There are only two things a child will share willingly - communicable diseases and their mother's real age.

They say the grass is greener on the other side, but have you ever flipped it over?

Those who complain about the way the ball bounces, are usually the same ones who dropped it.

Time flies... after you hit the snooze button.

To err is human, to forgive... unlikely.

Viewer discretion may be advised, but it's never really expected.

We can never see ourselves as others see us. Even the mirror shows us in reverse.

We have to belive in free will. We have no choice.

We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They get run over. - Ambrose Bierce

We live in an age where lemons are used to wash dishes, and lemonade is made with artificial flavors

Well behaved women rarely make history.

When confronted with a knock at the door, a stupid man will complain about all the noise, a normal man will answer it, a smart man will look through the peephole and the wise man won't hear it because he's having sex.

When the cat's away there are fewer hairs on the armchair.

Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

Whoever said there is no such thing as a stupid question has never worked in customer service.

You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinager... But you can catch even more with dead squirrels.

You can tell the quality of a person by how they treat people they don't need.

You can't tell a book by its movie.