Life Begins At Fifty

Maybe it's true that LIFE BEGINS AT FIFTY

But everything else starts to

wear out, fall out, or spread out.

There are three signs of old age.

The first is your loss of memory.

The other two I forget.

You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes,

just as long as you don't have to go along.

Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work.

Statistics show that at the age of seventy,

there are five women to every man.

Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds?

You know you're getting on in years when

the girls at the office start confiding in you.

Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,

he's too old to go anywhere.

Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends,

and have begun to grow in the middle.

Of course I'm against sin;

I'm against anything that I'm too old to enjoy.

Billy Graham has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends.

What must hell possibly be like?

Home videos of the same reunion?

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned

to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations

and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

You know you're into middle age when you realize

that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

At my age, "getting a little action" means

I don't need to take a laxative.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation.

As you grow older, it will avoid you.

The aging process could be slowed down

if it had to work its way through Congress.

You're getting old when getting lucky means

you find your car in the parking lot.

You're getting old when you're sitting

in a rocker and you can't get it started.

You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent,

and you don't know until the 4th of July.

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling,

and you didn't do anything the night before.

The cardiologist's diet:

if it tastes good, spit it out.

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news:

the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

It's hard to be nostalgic when

you can't remember anything.

You know you're getting old when

you stop buying green bananas.

Last Will and Testament:

Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.